wounds & healing

Go into the world showing how much He loves you.

Walk in the world in merciful ways-

He loves you.

He loves you!

This past weekend, I had the privilege of going with our Sr. High students from Libertyville Covenant Church to Covenant Point Bible Camp for a retreat.  CPBC has always been a special place for me, as well as many others... I was a camper there for years, and on staff for two during high school.   I hadn't been back since that summer of 2004 for a variety of reasons... but when we stepped off the bus a joy flooded my body.  It was such a visceral reaction that I wasn't expecting.  I recognized the reality that I had been running away when I last left;  returning would have meant that I would be held accountable for my actions that were so easy to justify when I wasn't in the presence of God's staggeringly pure light that pervades every aspect of camp life.  I wasn't just running from camp, but from who God was calling me to be.

It's been almost nine years, and I have been transformed.  This felt like coming full circle... I've been forgiven, reconciled and repaired, and now I was able to fully participate in this piece of God's work in this holy place.

I was talking with a girl who was on the retreat and she asked if I still had painful memories of the mistakes I've made.  I thought about it for a while and replied, "Well, no, not really... but I still have scars.  There were huge, gaping wounds in my life that I created by trying to live it the way I wanted. They were awful, bleeding sores."  She interjected, "But you were strong enough to heal them and be okay?"  "No," I said, "but God was."

It's so true!  God is a surgeon that comes into situations and not only heals us, but makes us functional again!  Maybe scars are there, but they don't stop us from performing our best, or in the case, better than before!  The quote from the beginning of this post is from a song by Jars of Clay, Benediction.  It's such a wonderful reminder of the call on our lives that is so simple to talk about, but so hard to practice all the time.  Being at places like CPBC are so life giving, and provide me with a wonderful reminder of what I've been brought out of, and how God is sending our family out.

My co-leader and friend Becca took this picture, and I thought the light really was beautiful!

PS:  If you missed Brady and I on ABC's local news story from their special needs correspondent, here's the link!

Holding on Tight

This week has been a reminder of how easy it is to rest in  the arms of God, yet, it seems that we struggle against that... we fight with our human emotions and our logic.   As Brad and I have come to find out, God really doesn't ever give you any more than you can handle, because you have to learn to lean on His grace, trusting that He'll carry you through times of struggle.

We got through our pregnancy without much fuss, and on the morning on June 10th, I woke up at three o'clock in the morning with what I though was just stomach pain.  Mind you, I'd made cupcakes the night before and had eaten quite a few, so I just assumed it was that.  An hour of tossing and turning later and I knew that wasn't the case.

Fast forward 10 hours and some pain medication later, I had this little perfect boy in my arms.

Brady Scott DeJong.  Perfect.

Brad and I were pretty  much in awe that we could have had a hand in creating something so wonderful- he was tiny and cute, with a squished little face, grabby hands and  squinty little eyes... I cried, which I didn't think was possible.  

Then the pediatrician on call came in and told us that they needed to talk to us about some of the things they noticed about Brady.  He had almond shaped eyes, and extra skin on the back of his neck.  Two of his toes were a little webbed.  All of these things, they said, were indicative of babies with Down syndrome, a genetic condition.  They couldn't be sure, but they were going to run tests to confirm, and, did we have any questions?

It was a whammy.  We were both exhausted, all I wanted to do was to be left alone with our little baby!  This news didn't really phase me then... I just thought, "oh well, what can you do about it?  It is what it is!  He's still here, he's still breathing, he's still so freaking cute!"  Brad will tell you that it hit him pretty hard.  He went into the hall to get his parents and broke down when he told them what the doctors had just relayed to us.  His dad just gave him a big hug and did what dads do best- stand strong and hold on tight.

That afternoon and evening, we prayed hard.  We prayed  that we would find peace, that 

the doctors would provide answers, and that God would continue to guide this journey.

While we prayed, we held on to our little boy, who still had his squishy face, hands that squeezed  and little squinty eyes that he was not ready to open up.  Now we learned he had Down syndrome.  

And we still thought he was perfect.

That in itself was all that we needed to get through the night, and I know God knew that.

He gives us  the peace we need in the moment, and then the strength to sustain us

for the long haul.  Brad and I are learning how great that strength and peace can be as 

we come to terms with  what it means to be parents of a  child, much less a child with special needs.

Praise be to God for His faithfulness in our lives, and for the way he allows us to rest in his arms daily.

Hopes and fears

It wasn't too long ago that Brad and I got married, and not long after that, I found out I was pregnant. I was really taken aback.  We had JUST gotten married and settled in an awesome little apartment in Ravenswood, Brad had just started teaching at a job he loved and I was close to my friends, family and in the city I loved.  I remember taking the pregnancy test and shaking when I looked at it s minute later.  I cried and Brad hugged me.  You could hear in his voice that he was just as shocked as me, but he held on tight.

And then we prayed.  Brad prayed aloud for safety for me and the baby.  I prayed internally for peace and comfort.  We got both.  Philippians 4:6-7 talks about presenting our requests to God through prayer and petition and that trusting in Him provides us with a sense of peace.  I don't know what exactly I was petitioning for in that moment- to wake up and not have any of that be real, to have one of my friends suddenly be pregnant too so I wasn't alone... Who knows.   But I know I prayed for peace.  And the next morning as I got to work, I got a text from Brad that said something to the effect of, "I am SO excited to be a Dad!"  Just that acknowledgement from him that this was something he wasn't sad about - even though everything was about to change- was the affirmation God was giving me about how wonderful this was going to be.  It was also a huge shift in perspective for me, as I began to see how my support system would be something I'd never experienced before- but more on that later.

It's so amazing how the Lord brings people into your life and gives you encouragement at just the right time- just another way that He takes care of us when we don't even have the words to ask for anything. How incredible!